Brethren, Wrap Up Thine Dicks

Posted on 28 August 2014

Alright fraternal brethren, imagine the following scenario, if you will: you and a choice slam-piece are getting all hot and heavy at a party. You’ve stumbled into your room and she’s inching the two of you backwards toward the bed. You’re eying the door, wishing you’d locked it. But it’s too late now. Fuck it, it’ll be a good story if someone walks in. Your dick is already getting hard as she works your buckle loose and unbuttons your pants. You feel her hot breath against your ear as she whispers something…

“Do you have a condom?”

Oh shit!

We’ve all been there. Nothing is quite as much of a buzz kill as pausing things to go hunting for a rubber. You’re not an idiot. You remember sex-ed, all those gross pictures of warts and rashes. But you are as hard as a rock and ready to go. Besides, she looks clean, doesn’t seem like the type who sleeps around. But will the story be worth it?

Hate to be a debbie-downer, but we’re here to educate. For all your current brethren and freshman hopefuls, take this to heart. It’s apart of #89 Rush Preparation. Here are the cold, hard facts guys:

STIs are on the rise, particularly on college campuses, where only about half of sexually active students are wrapping it before they tap it. According to the Center for Disease Control, the two most common infections are HPV (Human Papillomavirus) and Chlamydia. Yea, that crazy shit. Both can be hard to detect, so even people who look “clean” can spread these diseases, which can lead to serious health problems if left untreated. HPV is particularly dangerous for women, who are at a higher risk for certain cancers if infected with HPV.images

EverydayHealth.com says that one in four college students has an STD. One in four! Take a look at the people around you, man. Do the math. You’ve surely got a few buddies who came to college with you. Yea, one of you are inevitably fucked at this rate.

Okay, enough with the preaching. For most of us, it’s not about being ignorant of the facts. For most of us, it’s a simple case of not being adequately prepared. And that’s the most difficult part about practicing safe sex—being prepared before the time is right. As one astute student put it in the Daily Sundial:

“I think that people generally tend to do a risk-versus-benefit assessment of the moment. Usually, that moment is not the best moment to make logical decisions.”

Add a little alcohol to the moment, and it’s even harder to remember to use a condom. Fox News cites one study that confirms that the higher a person’s blood alcohol level, the greater the likelihood that person would engage in unsafe sex. As much as a rubber stands as the ideal bro-hero cock-block, it also stands as the one piece of material allowing you to keep you dick working, keep your father-status at check, and continue on with the lifestyle we’ve come to love.

You’ve got to think about condoms like you think about beer. You keep the fridge stocked with beer, right? So why not keep the frat house stocked with condoms too? The #71 Alcoholic Pledge knows what I’m talking about. PledgeMasterAvatar

Just imagine walking into every room and seeing a candy dish full of condoms in all different colors and flavors. Not only are you letting your guests know what you and your bros are about, you’re also guaranteeing that love gloves will always be at the ready. Set the mood.

Take it a step further and have all the guys pitch in for a batch of condoms labeled with your frat’s letters. Look online and you can find any number of sites providing the personalization of anywhere from 50 to 10,000 condoms, and they’re cheaper than you might think. Investment, bros, investment. Don’t add to the list of #8 Why It Sucks to pledge by adding an STD to the list. 

Now maybe you’re the type of guy who just doesn’t like condoms. You think they dampen your sensitivity, lessen the experience. The truth is you probably haven’t found the right condom yet. Condoms are like women—there are all kinds and you’ve got to stick your dick in a lot of them before you find the right one. In other words, condoms shouldn’t be a last-minute purchase at the check-out counter. Your dick deserves better, and the chicks you hook up with do too.

Try textured condoms to give those sorority girls a little something extra to talk about, or flavored condoms that’ll make them want to suck your cock like a lollipop. If you’re worried about condoms being a hassle that spoils the mood, AdamEve.com suggests eroticizing safer sex so that even the act of putting on a condom is sexy and part of the foreplay. It’s just like the Boy scouts taught us—always be prepared!

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So, in the spirit of always being prepared, I leave you with this goofball phrases for wrapping up your junk, courtesy of CollegeMagazine.com:

“Don’t be silly, wrap your willie.”

Pledgeship will teach you a lot of lessons. Don’t make the biggest one of all. Wrap it up, there’s no excuse. Keep the party going.

It’s not hazing. It’s brotherhood.

 

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One Response to “Brethren, Wrap Up Thine Dicks”

  1. PledgeMaster says:

    Don’t let the horror stories continue. But if you’ve got any, feel free to shout ’em out…


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